My name is Carla Rhodes. I am a ventriloquist. Yes. I admit it. I am a ventriloquist and I am proud! I love puppets! But seriously, to feed the ongoing schizo stereotype of the typical ventriloquist, I thought it would be fun to interview myself. (Why Carla! You are right! you say excitably!) My interviewer will be referred to as Carla-la-la. Doesn’t that have a nice ring to it? Oh and if you’re wondering, Carla, why didn’t you have the puppet interview you? Well my dear reader That would just be too weird. Watch out, cos here we go! (You are excited!)
Carla-la-la: Hello Carla. How are you this fine evening?
Carla: I am hot.
Carla-la-la: My, aren’t we egotistical?
Carla: No, you see, my air conditioner broke in my apartment. It’s hot in here.
Carla-la-la: My, my. What exactly do you wear in such hot, hot weather?
Carla: Well, I probably shouldn’t say. Let’s just say it’s typical Tennessee weather, 90 degrees and rising, and the ceiling fan just isn’t enough blow.
Carla-la-la: Enough blow?
Carla: Nevermind.
Carla-la-la: On with the interview. You are a ventriloquist.
Carla: Yes.
Carla-la-la: Well, isn’t that just great! Well, Carla the ventriloquist, how long have you been a ventriloquist?
Carla: I started ventriloquism when I was nine years old.
Carla-la-la: What would provoke you to do such a horrible thing?!
Carla: Well, I saw Shari Lewis on TV. She quickly became my hero, and I wanted to be just like her, and that meant becoming a ventriloquist!
Carla-la-la: My! Isn’t that interesting.
Carla: Yea, I think so.
Carla-la-la: Sure. Well, how old are you now, Carla?
Carla: I am now 19 (I just turned 19, please send belated gifts to carla@carlarhodes.net)
Carla-la-la: 19! Isn’t that a little old to be playing with puppets?
Carla: Well you see, it’s my profession.
Carla-la-la: Oh yes, do tell us about your "act".
Carla: Well, it’s quite off the wall.
Carla-la-la: Is it as bad as your hair?
Carla: Anyways, it’s quite off the wall and very original.
Carla-la-la: That’s what they all say. Please tell us about your dummies.
Carla: Why I’ve never!
Carla-la-la: I’ll bet you have! (Nudge, nudge! Wink! Wink!)
Carla: That was such a slur. Dummies are not referred to as dummies anymore. They are "figures".
Carla-la-la: Ermm... What "figures" do you use in your act.
Carla: Well, I have Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, and David Bowie.
Carla-la-la: All in one night?
Carla: Yes! It's quite amazing. My act has really been a lot of fun since Mick, Keith and Bowie joined my act. They are truly hilarious.
Carla-la-la: Tell us a little about Keith Richards’ act?
Carla: Well, it consists of a lot of snorting and passing out.
Carla-la-la: How interesting! What is the rest of your act like?
Carla: Well, I also do funny songs on my guitar.
Carla-la-la: Like what?
Carla: Well, there’s a crowd favorite I do called, "I Love Animals".
Carla-la-la: Oh do sing us a bit!
Carla: (Sings) I love my... parakeet, because he’s ...all white meat!
Carla-la-la: Stop! That’s enough. (Grumbles.) What else?
Carla: Well I also do standup comedy in my act.
Carla-la-la: Well! You just do everything! Tell us a joke!
Carla: No.
Carla-la-la: Well Ms. Rhodes, I also hear you’re a very accomplished painter.
Carla: That I am. I can do a painting in under 15 minutes and think nothing of it.
David Bowie figure: (interrupts) Haha! So does everyone else!
Carla-la-la: Oh please... Must you have your puppets interrupt during the interview?
Carla: Oh, my apologies Carla-la-la. Watch the puppet thing!
Carla-la-la: So what medium do you use in your paintings?
Carla: Acrylics.
Carla-la-la: Why?
Carla: Because, they are only $2 a bottle from Wal-Mart.
Carla-la-la: (gasps)
Carla: Geez! I’m a college kid. What do you expect me to use, real art supplies?!
Carla-la-la: What is your favorite thing to paint?
Carla: My subjects are usually people. People from my head.
Carla-la-la: I could’ve guessed that.
Carla: And rock stars.
Carla-la-la: I could’ve guessed that.
Carla: I think everyone should buy my paintings. I am poor.
Carla-la-la: I could’ve guessed that.
Carla: Please visit my website, www.carlarhodes.net, and book me for a show, buy a painting and gimme my very own sitcom.
Carla-la-la: Thank you for your time Carla.
Carla: Whatever!
by Carla Rhodes
Your Comments Welcome
Visit www.carlarhodes.net (a very very nice site)
