This one was forwarded by a faithful reader and all for fun...
A nun is sitting with her
Mother Superior chatting. "I used some
horrible language this week and
feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful
language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an
incredible drive that looked like it was
going to go over 280
yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging
over the fairway and
fell straight down to the ground after going only
about 100
yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the
nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball
in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is that when you swore?" asks
the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as
the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed
the squirrel in his talons and
began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when
you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle
carried the squirrel away in its claws, it
flew near the green and the
squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother
Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big
rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped
about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a
moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the
f#cking putt, didn't you?"
Words for a new generation:
Blamestorming:
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project
failed, and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics
who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought
in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print
media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.
Idea Hamsters: People who always have their idea
generators running. Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting build-up of dirt
and crud found on computer keyboards.
Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer
to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you
realize that you've just made a big mistake.
Perot: To quit unexpectedly, as in "My celluar phone just
perot'ed."
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something
loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going
on.
SITCOMS: What yuppies turn into when they have children
and one ofthem stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for
Single Income, Two Children, Opressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends
in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed
out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been
rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive
use.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get
a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class;
the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed
material.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies
from one's workplace.
Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed
out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of
postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically
proficient person inan office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the
alpha geek around here."
Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb
success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes have when
their beeper goes off (especially in virbator mode). Characterized
by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech
in mid-sentence.
Chips and Salsa: Chips = Hardware, Salsa
= Software. "Well, first we gotta figure outin the problem's in you chips or your salsa.
Dancing Baloney: Little animated GIFs and other
WEB F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients.
"This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."
Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot
because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience
Shackophobia.
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are
suspected of planning to leave a company of department soon.
Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly
the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I
actually forgot what city we were in."
GOOD Job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A
well paying job people take inorder to pay off debts, one that they will
quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that
are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J.
trials were a prime example.
Midair Passenger Exchange: Grim Air-Traffic-Controller-Speak
for a head-on collision. Mid-air passenger exchanges are quickly followed by "aluminum rain."
PEBCAK: Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between
the Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the
clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another
variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy is an ID-Ten_T on his system."
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking
the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a
lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
Square-Headed Girlfriend: Another word for
a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer-widow."
Telephone Number Salary: A salary (or project
budget) that has seven digits.
Umfriend: A sexual relation of dubious standing.
"This is uh,....Dale, my....um.....friend..."
Uninstalled: Euphemism for be fired. Heard on the
voicemail of a vice president at a down-sizing computer firm: "You have reached the
number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main nu mber
and ask the operator for assistance." Also see Decruitment.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand position
to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm
re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control
key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills
spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal:
"We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
Tink: Acronym for a highly paid single consultant.
Ten Incomes, No Kids!
One morning a woman and her
baby were taking public transportation.
As she entered the bus the
driver said, "Wow! That is one ugly baby."
The woman, deeply hurt, just
continued onto the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.
The man asked, "What's wrong,
you look mad?"
She replied, "I am." "That
bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from
him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect.
If I were you, I would take
down his badge number and report him."
"You're right sir, I think
I will report him," she said. The elderly man said,
"You go on up there and get
his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."
Signs you've had too much of
the '90s Part I by Laura Riedlinger
1. You try to enter your password
on the microwave.
2. You haven't played patience
with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone
numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail your work colleague
at the desk next to you to ask, "Do you fancy going down the pub?" and
they reply, "Yeah, give me five minutes".
5. You chat several times
a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your
next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You buy a computer and
a week later it is out of date.
7. Your reason for not staying
in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
8. You consider regular mail
painfully slow or call it "snail mail". 9. Your idea of being organized
is multiple colored post-it notes. 10. You hear most of your jokes via
email instead of in person. 11. When you go home after a long day at work
you still answer the phone in a business manner.
12. When you make phone calls
from home, you accidentally insert a 0 to get an outside line.
13. You've sat at the same
desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
14. Your company welcome sign
is attached with Velcro.
15. Your CV is on a diskette
in your pocket.
16. You really get excited
about a 1.7% pay rise.
17. You learn about your redundancy
on the 6 o'clock news.
18. Your biggest loss from
a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.
19. Your supervisor doesn't
have the ability to do your job.
20. Contractors outnumber
permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
Anonymous Email FWD:
> >> > STATE MOTTOS
> >> >
.> >> >Alabama:
> >> >Yes, we have electricity
> >> >
> >> > Arizona:
> >> > But It's a Dry
Heat
> >> >
> >> > Arkansas:
> >> > Litterasy Ain't
Everthing
> >> >
> >> > California:
> >> > As Seen on TV
> >> >
> >> > Colorado:
> >> > If You Don't
Ski, Don't Bother
> >> >
> >> > Connecticut:
> >> > Like Massachusetts,
Only Dirtier and With Less
> >> > Character
> >> >
> >> > Delaware:
> >> > We Really Do
Like the Chemicals in our Water
> >> >
> >> > Florida:
> >> > Ask Us About
Our Grandkids
> >> >
> >> > Georgia:
> >> > We Put the "Fun"
in Fundamentalist Extremism
> >> >
> >> > Hawaii:
> >> > Haka Tiki Mou
Sha'ami Leeki Toru
> >> > (Death to Mainland
Scum, But Leave Your Money)
> >> >
> >> > Idaho:
> >> > Potatoes and
NeoNazi's ... What More Could You Ask
> >> > For?
> >> >
> >> > Illinois:
> >> > Please Don't
Pronounce the "S"
> >> >
> >> > Indiana:
> >> > 2 Billion Years
Tidal Wave Free
> >> >
> >> > Iowa:
> >> > We Do Amazing
Things With Corn
> >> >
> >> > Kansas:
> >> > Where Science
Don't Mean Sh__!
> >> >
> >> > Kentucky:
> >> > Five Million
People; Fifteen Last Names
> >> >
> >> > Louisiana:
> >> > We're Not All
Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our
> >> > Tourism Campaign
> >> >
> >> > Maine:
> >> > We're Really
Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
> >> >
> >> > Maryland:
> >> > A Thinking Man's
Delaware
> >> >
> >> > Massachusetts:
> >> > Our Taxes Are
Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax
> >> > Brackets)
> >> >
> >> > Michigan:
> >> > First Line of
Defense From the Canadians
> >> >
> >> > Minnesota:
> >> > 10,000 Lakes
and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000
> >> > Mosquitoes
> >> >
> >> > Mississippi:
> >> > Come Feel Better
About Your Own State
> >> >
> >> > Missouri:
> >> > Your Federal
Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
> >> >
> >> > Montana:
> >> > Land of the Big
Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing
> >> > Crazies, and
Very Little Else
> >> >
> >> > Nebraska:
> >> > Ask About Our
State Motto Contest
> >> >
> >> > Nevada:
> >> > Whores and Poker!
> >> >
> >> > New Hampshire:
> >> > Go Away and Leave
Us Alone
> >> >
> >> > New Jersey:
> >> > You Want a ##$%##!
Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
> >> > Right Here!
> >> >
> >> > New Mexico:
> >> > Lizards Make
Excellent Pets
> >> >
> >> > New York:
> >> > You Have the
Right to Remain Silent, You Have the
> >> > Right to an Attorney...
> >> >
> >> > North Carolina:
> >> > Tobacco is a
Vegetable
> >> >
> >> > North Dakota:
> >> > We Really are
One of the 50 States!
> >> >
> >> > Ohio:
> >> > At Least We're
Not Michigan
> >> >
> >> > Oklahoma:
> >> > Like the Play,
only No Singing
> >> >
> >> > Oregon:
> >> > Spotted Owl...
It's What's For Dinner
> >> >
> >> > Pennsylvania:
> >> > Cook With Coal
> >> >
> >> > Rhode Island:
> >> > We're Not REALLY
An Island
> >> >
> >> > South Carolina:
> >> > Remember the
Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
> >> >
> >> > South Dakota:
> >> > Closer Than North
Dakota
> >> >
> >> > Tennessee:
> >> > The Educashun
State
> >> >
> >> > Texas:
> >> > Si' Hablo Ing'les
> >> > (Yes, I speak
English)
> >> >
> >> > Utah:
> >> > Our Jesus Is
Better Than Your Jesus
> >> >
> >> > Vermont:
> >> > Yep
> >> >
> >> > Virginia:
> >> > Who Says Government
Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't
> >> > Mix?
> >> >
> >> > Washington:
> >> > Help! We're Overrun
By Nerds and Slackers!
> >> >
> >> > Washington, D.C.:
> >> > Wanna Be Mayor?
> >> >
> >> > West Virginia:
> >> > One Big Happy
Family-Really!
> >> >
> >> > Wisconsin:
> >> > Come Cut Our
Cheese
> >> >
> >> > Wyoming:
> >> > Where men are
men and sheep are scared
Sent in by "Lunch Break" group
HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel
Of iNsAniTy aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE
1) At lunch time, sit in your
parked car and point a hair dryer at passing
cars to see if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the
intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3) Insist that your e mail
address be : xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com
4) Every time someone asks
you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues
to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on
your desk and label it 'IN'.
7) Develop an unnatural fear
of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee
maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions,
switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all
your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone
says with, "That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences
with "In accordance with the prophecy".
12) Adjust the tint on your
monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist
to others that you like it that way.
13) dontuseanypunctuationorspaces
14) As often as possible,
skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they
are.
16) Specify that your drive-through
order is "to go".
17) Sing Along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital
and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss
shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss
does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
20) Send e mail to the rest
of the company to tell them where you're going. For example: If anyone
needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
21) Put mosquito netting around
your cubicle.
22) Five days in advance,
tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the
mood.
23) Hum when you ride an elevator.
AnD tHe FiNal wAy tO aNnOy
PeOple:
24) Send this to everyone in
your address book, even if they sent it to you!
From the Gang at the Pentagon!!!
THE BEST CONGRESS MONEY CAN
BUY ...
Based on records prior to
the summer break:
29 members of Congress
have been accused of spouse abuse,
7 have been arrested
for fraud,
19 have been accused
of writing bad checks,
117 have bankrupted at least
two businesses,
3 have been arrested
for assault,
71 have credit reports
so bad they can't qualify for a credit card,
14 have been arrested
on drug-related charges,
8 have been arrested
for shoplifting,
21 are current defendants
in lawsuits,
and in 1998 alone, 84
were stopped for drunk driving,
but released after they claimed
Congressional immunity.
Politicians and diapers have
one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the
same reason.
Q: What is it when an Antartian
blows into another Antartian's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: What did the Antartian say
when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "I wonder if it's mine?"
Q: Why shouldn't Antartian's
have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain
them.
Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Antartians at a four-way
stop.
Q: How do you confuse an Antartian?
A: Give him a package of M&M's
and tell him to put them in alphabetical order.
Lottery by Torres,
Olga
A guy gets home, runs into
his house, slams the door and says, Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The wife says, "Wow! That's
great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack
for the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care. Just
get out!"
Another one from the Pentagon...
Female
Brain vs. The Male Brain
From the Gang at the Pentagon!!!
One day in heaven, the Lord
decided he would visit the earth and take a stroll.
Walking down the road, the
Lord encountered a man who was crying. The Lord asked the man,
"Why are you crying, my son?" The man said that he was blind and
had never seen a sunset.
The Lord touched the man...he
could see, and he was happy.
As the Lord walked further,
he met another man crying and asked, "Why are you crying, my son?"
The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk.
The Lord touched him, he was
able to walk, and he was happy.
Farther down the road, the
Lord met another man who was crying and asked, "Why are you crying,
my son?" The man said, "Lord, I work for the Government,"
The Lord sat down and cried
with him.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS
I was so poor growing up...If
I wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other
day and said ...."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over.
Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pickpockets,
I'd have no sex life at all.
During sex my girlfriend always
wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early
from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy,
why are you doing that?"
He said, "Because you came
home early."
Its been a rough day. I got
up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase
and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid...When
I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents
hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I was such an ugly baby...My
mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly...My father carries
around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born .... the doctor
came out to the waiting room and
said to my father,
"I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... But he pulled through."
I'm so ugly ... My mother had
morning sickness - after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped
and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted
more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I
saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him
.... "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
He said, "I don't know kid
... there are so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge
club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly...I worked in a
pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor
"Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like
throwing up. What's wrong with me?" he said..."I don't
know but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because
I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few
drinks and get some rest.
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